Sacred Cove Counseling & Wellness

Improve Your Relationships with the "Musts" for Good Communication

2010-11-28T16:38:00.001-08:00

Good communication requires 3 things:

1.Express your feelings openly and directly.
2.Listen nondefensively when the other talks.
3.Listen with respect even if you feel angry or frustrated. You can share angry feelings in a respectful way without demeaning or insulting the other.

Poor communication is the opposite of this and looks like this:

1. Instead of opening up, you hide your feelings or act them out aggressively.
2. Instead of listening, you argue defensively and insist they are wrong.
3. Instead of conveying respect, you go to war and try to put the other down.

When you are the listener, you need to be quiet and have receptive body language. Your goal should be not to agree or disagree, but to paraphrase and express how they were probably feeling.

You need to examine your role in the conflict. Also, the conflict will probably not get resolved if your motivation does not lie in wanting connection and closeness.

By following these guidelines for good communication, relationships can be greatly improved if both people are mature and want closeness.

Colleen Montgomery is an individual and couples counselor in Severna Park, MD. It is important for therapists to listen empathically during counseling, reflect thoughts, practice new skills and to challenge distorted thinking. People often have distorted thoughts that reflect low self esteem and this can be greatly improved in counseling. Colleen can be reached at 410-336-4950 to set up an appointment.

Lessons on Life Series 4: Relationships

2010-11-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

It is important to look at relationships and ask yourself some important questions:

Is the love I give & receive based on how love was defined for me when I was a child?

Is this the kind of love that I wish to give & receive as an adult?

Is this the kind of relationship I really want?

We often stay in relationships that don't work for two reasons:

First, because we hope they will change.

Second, we are often taught that every relationship should work out.

When people are frustrated in repeat relationships, it's as if they are looking for milk in a hardware store. No matter how many times they go up and down the same aisle, they are not going to find any milk. If you want love, tenderness, and affection in your relationships, but you have chosen a person who clearly can't give it to you, it may be time to choose someone else. Don't allow people to be reckless with your love, your heart, and your tenderness. But don't also allow for old definitions to dictate your present life.

We often try to control and manipulate others. People may be happy in a relationship today but wind up fighting over something like, "Will you be here in 20 years from now?" But, the future is not for us to know so they may or may not be with you. That is okay as the length of a relationship or how it ends is never wrong, it is simply life.

It can be difficult to see people in the present, rather than to focus on the past or future. How many times have we held onto memories of something they did a long time ago? How often have we let those unhappy memories color our opinion of them today, even though they've apologized and changed? Sometimes we still have agendas of wanting to punish them or to make them see the past hurt. We hold onto our feelings, accumulating resentments and gathering evidence against those we love. If we hold on to the past hurts, we no longer have the intention of loving them. Instead of holding onto these unpleasant feelings, we must learn to say "ouch" when we hurt, and to the person who hurt us. Hopefully, they can help us to let go of the hurt by listening.

When we let go of the future pictures and illusions of how things should look, of our strategies and agendas, love takes on a life of its own. It goes where it wants to go, as opposed to us trying to direct it. When we let go, love can take us to some wonderful and tender places we could never have imagined for ourselves.

Reference:

Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kuhler-Ross, Schribner, 2000.

Colleen Montgomery is a well-known individual and couples therapist in Severna Park, MD which is closely located to Glen Burnie, Annapolis, Pasadena and Millersville.

Lessons on Life Series 3: Anger

2010-11-26T06:44:00.000-08:00

It is very difficult for many people today to get in touch with their feelings. Sometimes it helps to close your eyes and put one hand on your stomach to help you get in touch with your feelings. We are so used to letting our minds dominate that we forget our feelings. Notice how many times you begin a sentence with "I think" rather than "I feel".

Anger tells us that we haven't dealt with our pain. Hurt is present pain, while anger is often lingering pain. As we gather these hurts and do not address them, our anger grows. We can accumulate so many hurts that it eventually becomes hard to sort them out and even hard to recognize that the anger is there.

When we turn our anger inward, it often expresses itself as feelings of depression or guilt. Anger turned inward and held internally distorts our perceptions of reality. All of this old anger becomes unfinished business not merely with others, but with ourselves. Many families avoid anger issues and skirt around them. But it is hard to forgive when you haven't dealt with the anger. The more anger you can let go of, the more forgiveness you are going to have.

Often anger has to do with underlying fears. Here are some examples of things people might say and what the underlying fear may be:

The anger: I'm angry because you weren't there.
The fear underneath: When your not there, I fear you are abandoning me.

The anger: I'm angry because of what you said.
The fear underneath: I'm afraid you don't love me anymore.

It's easier to keep rubbing in the anger than it is to deal with the fear, but it doesn't help solve the underlying problem. In fact, it often only makes the "surface" problem worse, for most people do not respond well to anger. Yelling at people rarely convinces them that they are wrong.

Our society feels that anger is bad or wrong , so we don't have healthy ways to externalize it. We are not familiar with how to talk about it or let it out. We stuff it, deny it or contain it. Anger is a normal reaction many times but we just need to learn how to express it so it can be received.

We are here to heal and move through our feelings.

Reference: Life Lessons by Elisabeth-Kubloer-Ross, Schribner, 2000.

Colleen Montgomery is an individual and couples therapist in Severna Park, MD which is located near Glen Burnie, Pasadena, Arnold, Millersville and Annapolis. She continues to feel blessed by helping people through their life's work. All people have struggles, relationship difficulties and lessons to learn. No one, no matter what profession, resides on Earth without difficult relationships and experiences. Counseling is not about giving others "advice" or "answers" as no one including therapists are free of challenges in navigating difficult waters. Counseling is about allowing you to be heard, reflected, and to discuss options and strategies to help you reach decisions that are best for you.

Lessons on Life Series 2: Surrender

2010-11-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

The next lesson for discussion today is that of: Surrender.

Many of us labor under the illusion that control is always good and that it would be dangerous for us to let the "universe" take care of things. It may be difficult to find the lesson in a difficult situation; we may wonder why it's happening. But, there is often no other way for the universe to heal us except to present us with tough situations. Try to see it as "what is" rather than what is "bad". None of us really knows why events happen in our lives. The problem is that we think we should know, but living requires humility, for life is a mystery. All will be revealed in its own time.

How do we surrender to "what is" and stop fighting? We simply "let go". We learn to trust in God, in the universe, as we begin for the first time in our lives, to relax. In letting go, we release mental pictures of how things should turn out and accept what the universe brings us. We accept that we don't always know what is in our best interest. Those times when we thought we absolutely knew what was best, we were wrestling with illusions.

To surrender, is to simply rise everyday and say "thy will" not "my will". You can have plans and a working blueprint. But, there will be changes, paths I didn't expect. Wonderful surprises and scary surprises. There will be situations that lead me on new journeys. I trust that all this will lead me in a direction that will bring my being, my soul, to its greatest unfolding.

We have all become so very controlling. We have forgotten what it's like to be students and to sit at the feet of others. We don't know how to receive other ideas and experiences, even if only for a brief while.

Refusing to accept situations we cannot change exhausts us, strips us of our power and peace of mind. We take back our power and regain peace of mind when we let things be as they are. We are in effect saying, "I am going to be happy right now". "I'm not going to put it off". Refusing to surrender, is the same as saying,"I can't be happy until these conditions change". Surrendering into life as it is can be the quickest and most powerful way to get the lesson out of the situation.

Colleen Montgomery is an individual and couples therapist in Severna Park, MD which is also close to Millersville, Pasadena and Annapolis. Sacred Cove Counseling is located at 821 W Benfield Road. We specialize in marriage counseling and counseling for anxiety and depression issues.

Reference:
Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Scribner 2000.

I dedicate this blog today to my sister Amy and my niece, Lilly to whom I wish a Happy 4th Birthday.

Lessons on Life

2010-11-14T06:38:00.000-08:00

It has been said that there are many lessons on life that we are to learn before passing. Some of these lessons include: authenticity, loss, love, patience, play, power and forgiveness amongst many more. Today, lets talk a bit about the lesson of loss.

Loss is a major part of our life school. Many of us resist loss through out our lives not understanding that loss is life and life is loss and we cannot grow without loss. There are 5 stages that people experience in a loss in life: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Whatever you are feeling when you lose someone or something is exactly what you are supposed to be feeling. It is never our place to tell someone else that they are grieving too long. The feelings we go through such as feeling empty, helpless, immobilized, paralyzed, worthless, angry, sad and fearful are all part of the healing process. Perhaps the only certainty about loss is that time does heal this.

In life, we long for wholeness and we hope that we can keep people and things just as they are, but we can't. Loss is one of our most difficult lessons of life. We try to make it easier, even romanticize it, yet the pain of separation from someone or something we care about is one of the hardest things we will ever experience. There is no loss without growth which is perhaps why we are always struck by it.

There are some common clear lessons that have come from people who have technically been dead but were brought back to life. First, they are no longer afraid of death. Second, they know that death is only the shedding of a physical body. Third, they remember having a profound sense of feeling wholeness in death, of being connected to everything and everyone and feeling no sense of loss. Lastly, they report that they were never alone, that someone was with them.

We experience our losses in our own time and in our own ways. We are given beautiful grace in denial. We sometimes mourn for those who have cared for us the way they should have. We also mourn for those who did not give us the love we deserved. If we have been hurt by a loss, we may find ways to protect ourselves against loss: we detach, we deny, we help others with hurts so we don't have to face our own, and we might become so self-sufficient that we will never need anyone. We will subconsciously put ourselves in situations that remind us of our original losses so we can heal. If you wonder why you seems to keep meeting people who abandon you, it may be the universe sending you people and situations to help heal your loss. But sometimes the lesson in healing an old loss is in realizing that we can't prevent new losses. By guarding against loss, we incur loss. We ensure we don't lose people by keeping them at a distance, but that is loss in itself.

Even within our deepest sense of loss, we know that life continues. Despite all the losses and endings that may be bombarding you, new beginnings are all around. In the midst of pain, loss may seem to be never ending, yet the cycle of life exists all around us.

Colleen Montgomery is an individual and couples therapist in Severna Park MD. Sacred Cove Counseling is located at: 821 W Benfield Rd. Severna Park, MD 21146. She can be reached at 410-336-4950 to set up an appointment for marriage counseling, individual counseling for issues such as anxiety, depression, grief, and relationship issues.

Reference:

Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler,Schribner, 2000.

True Intimacy & Sex in a Loving Marriage

2010-10-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

In marriage, men and women often have different perspectives on sex and intimacy. In a happy marriage, it is important to aim for sharing true intimacy with sex instead of merely having intercourse. In our culture, women are encouraged from childhood to open their "high" hearts (the hearts in our chests) and close our "low" hearts(our genitals). As a result, women tend to lead with their hearts, freely showering love and affection on our mates....but sometimes holding back sexually. With men, it's just the opposite: they tend to close down their high hearts and not let women in, although their more open sexually. To experience true intimacy and great sex, men and women need to learn how to work with both their high hearts and their low hearts.

If a man seeks true intimacy with a woman, he has to woo her with words, attention, and affection. Then, she'll feel safe enough to surrender to him sexually. On the other hand, in order to win a man's vulnerable heart, a woman must approach him with the same tenderness that she desires from him. If she criticizes or finds fault with him, he'll protect his heart, but if she makes him her hero, then he'll feel safe enough to share his heart with her.

Saida Desilets, an expert in female sexual energy, explains that we can see this anatomically. Men's genitals are on the outside- and they lead with their sexuality (while women keep theirs hidden). On the other hand, women's breasts are on the outside- and they lead with their hearts and affection(while men's hearts, like women's genitals, are much less obvious).

To achieve vibrant health, you must commit to yourself not just to having sex, but also engaging and nurturing your sexual energy and then making love on many levels. That keeps your life energy flowing and encourages positive, caring connections with yourself and your partner.

Colleen Montgomery is a well known individual and couples therapist in Severna Park, MD. She can be reached at 410-336-4950 to set up an appointment.

Reference:

Northrup, Christiane, "The Secret Pleasures", Hayhouse Publishing 2008.

Caring Relationships

2010-10-27T00:56:00.000-07:00

In my practice of working with couples and individuals, I observe many relationships that have struggles. Most of us do not go through life without some relationships that are challenging. What are some things that I observe that seem to be a roadblock to improving difficult relationships? The biggest challenge seems to be ego. Many people are caught up in feeling that they need to "defend themselves" to the end. When one person in the relationship voices a concern, the other person is often quick to try to turn it around on that person instead of hearing and listening to what that person is saying. It is important to hear that person and their feelings and respond with care to their concerns first. People often just need to feel acknowledged for their feelings. A mature individual in a relationship is able to say "I'm sorry, I hear you & we can work toward making that better". Unfortunately many people allow their ego to stand in the way of doing this and unconsciously feel if they apologize that they are "admitting that they are a bad person". They do not understand that this is not about being "bad" or being "wrong" but about being caring toward another and trying to resolve a relational issue. No one is perfect so it is okay to say "I'm sorry" so that things can heal in a relationship. These seem like such simple words but for some that lack spiritual maturity, they are just so difficult.

What else can be done in all relationships to help them be healthy and fulfilling?
It is important for all people in relationships to practice these things:
1. Gentle, kind interactions toward one another.
2. Being open to voiced concerns through out the relationship and an attitude of wanting to hear the other and resolve things. Easily saying "I'm sorry".
3. Showing that you care by having a "two way relationship". A two way relationship is when both people call one another, communicate honestly and kindly, both arrange time to spend together, acknowledge and validate each other's life experiences and express your fondness of one another through words and small tokens of affection.
4. Recognize that all people have challenging times in life and they may need you more during those times. Try to be understanding and steady.
5. Practice the gift of being fully present for yourself and others when in a relationship. What is worse than going to spend time with a loved one that you infrequently see and they are "tuned out"? Maybe they are watching tv and are not engaged in a meaningful way. True presence increases love and compassion. Simply by being attentively and openheartedly present- whether to yourself, work, family or others, more love is added to the fabric of life. And...love is the answer, no matter what the question.
6. Openess and accessibility are qualities of a quiet mind. We are naturally drawn to people who are open with us and are interested in us. Those whose ideas and emotions are accessible and readily expressed. This allows us to feel like we can genuinely connect with others. Meaningul connections are a lovely life experience.

Remember to practice mindfulness with yourself and in all relationships. Attention is an invaluable gift to give.

Colleen Montgomery is an individual and couples therapist in Severna Park, Maryland. Her office is at 821 W. Benfield Road, suite 10. She continues to feel blessed by the clients she works with to develop more caring relationships.

Passionate Marriage in Our Society

2010-08-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

In the end, all we have to offer each other is emotional commitment as we share our lives. Marriage is a system that is full of intricacies and wonder for personal growth.

Loving is not for the weak, nor for those who have to be carefully kept, nor for the faint of heart. That's why there is so little of it in the world. Love requires being steadfast through many difficulties. If our society ever tolerates a realistic view of marriage, we will be less cavalier about encouraging people to love and want each other. The end result of loving a cherished long-term partner is grief few of us are prepared to handle. Many of us would rather bury a "pain" than risk pain in our heart. A "pain" is easier to love less, so the loss won't be too great when he or she dies.

The biggest trust issue in marriage isn't about trusting your partner. It's about whether or not you can really trust yourself. The better your partner, the better your ability to soothe and console yourself needs to be. People find in their minds it is "not safe" to love their partner more than they can self-soothe if you need them to "be there for you". Your partner will not "be there for you" to hold your hand through their death. You'll go through that alone. The increasing vulnerability that arises from your partner becoming more important to you makes a passionate marriage daunting. Many people feel they can not trust themselves with this enormous risk.

Critical points mark the turning point in your connection with your spouse. It either shifts you from emotional fusion or greater differentiation. When couples use critical points wisely, there is an intense sense of intimacy, yet the future remains unknown. It is not always easy to continue to sail in the same direction through critical points with the intensity of the issues and the amount of self-soothing required. However, showing yourself as a peaceful vessel rather than a person of war can be an act of integrity.

Some things that can help with fusion during critical/stressful points in a marriage are:
Repair the positive connection with your partner by sending positive signals. Most couples have their own code.
Pay attention to your partner's attempts at repair and do not take them for granted.
Be willing to make the first move by pulling out of discussions that are going nowhere by making overtures to get back together.
Remember that monogamy shifts as your own differentiation increases from being a promise to your partner to one you make to yourself.
Remember that sometimes your partner can not "be there for you" in the sense that you desire as they may be having trouble regulating their own anxieties in times of discord. Taking care of yourself at critical/stressful points is important for you and a kindness to your partner. Poorly differentiated people do hurtful things when their anxiety goes up. This is why it is important to not let your partner "hurt you" in the sense that it is more important to remember that they may be reflecting their own anxieties. If you are well cared for mentally, you will be able to differentiate this and not expect your partner to take care of you. "Being there" for your partner in the positive sense is great if you can do it as it is the essence of true mutuality but we can not always expect it in return.

Life presents us with the choice of getting what we want, but not the way we might want it. It's disquieting when long-sought improvements occur in ways we don't anticipate. We are challenged to give up cherished notions that keep us stuck. Giving up fusion fantasies isn't easy. Our desire to merge and relinquish personal responsibility dies a slow death but there's no peace until it does.

The other side of the looking glass- the passionate marriage.
The most lasting "we-ness" often comes after a critical point, not before. The "we-ness" gained from experiences in the growth cycle, examining your self and your marriage, fosters further growth. Monogamy operates on a different level feeling like an ongoing commitment. Couples schedule time together because they want to be together and they protect this from the invasion of other demands. They address issues as they arise rather than waiting for things to feel intolerable. There is a stability that transcends day to day ups and downs.
You begin to allow your partner to influence you which creates new options and de-escalates fights. Feeling that you have influence in your relationship, reduces the urge to criticize or withdraw. When partners try to influence each other on issues about which they disagree, they do so in a straightforward manner that is softened with playful persuasion. People relax. Their facial features soften and their body tension melts. They touch more frequently and easily, leaning into each other for contact when sitting close. They no longer fear that straight talk will become adversarial. They have the comfort that comes in knowing that both of them can stand on their own two feet. Respect develops from watching their partner master himself or herself and maintain integrity during the critical points. It is a respect that includes rueful admiration that partners won't knuckle under to each other or their own anxieties. Respect makes partners willing to give each other the benefit of doubt in times of misunderstanding.

In marriage you can expect many blisters along the path to bliss. Hold out through this nerve-racking process and you can find the 'passionate marriage'.

Excerpts from this article are taken from the work of David Schnarch.

Colleen Montgomery is a well-known Individual and Couples Therapist in Severna Park, Maryland. Her office is located at 821 W. Benfield Road in Severna Park. Colleen specializes in Marriage Counseling and feels passionate about helping couples. It has been an honor to have couples share their struggles and victories as they grow individually and together as a couple.
Soon to be released, Joyful Marriage will share experiences and techniques to find true happiness within marriage.

You can reach Colleen at 410-336-4950 to set up an appointment for counseling.

Reference:
Schnarch, David, Passionate Marriage, Henry Holt Publishing, 1997.

New Office Location

2010-08-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

Sacred Cove Counseling & Wellness is proud to offer a new office location in Severna Park. The new office is located at 821 W. Benfield Rd. Severna Park, MD 21146. The counseling office is Suite 10 and is located inside of the Ben Oaks Professional Center. When you are facing the building, suite 10 is on the left, down one flight of stairs. Colleen Montgomery specializes in couples counseling and also works with individuals concerning various issues such as anxiety, depression and relational problems. Colleen can be reached at 410-336-4950. If you leave a message, she will return your call within 24 hours. She is currently accepting new clients.

Take the Big Leap

2010-05-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what is holding you back from taking the big leap in life that would take your life to the next level? Many people have hidden fears and anxieties that keep them from taking that next step to a more satisfying life.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself:
Where do I feel out of integrity with myself?
What is keeping me from feeling whole and complete?
What important feelings am I not letting into my awareness?
Where in my life am I not telling the full truth?

Almost all of us have a "story" that we tell ourselves about why we do not access our highest limits or "our genius". For example, we may have received messages from family that people who are successful are not nice people, etc.. As you allow yourself to discover these feelings, it will only take seconds to acknowledge feelings of sadness or fear. After acknowledging them, you can communicate a specific truth to another person and restore wholeness to a relationship that has felt incomplete for years. As you go through your discoveries, you will benefit from taking an attitude of wonder instead of blame. If you remain lighthearted about the fears that you discover instead of criticizing yourself then you will progress faster. When I maintain an attitude of cheerful wonder and keen interest in my faults and flaws, I see them dissolve and transform much more rapidly than when I give myself a hard time about them. If you're willing to adopt a playful attitude toward your shortcomings, you can make extraordinarily rapid progress.
Make a list of some behaviors that keep you from achieving your upper potential. Some of the most common ones are: worrying, blame & criticism, getting sick or hurt, squabbling, hiding significant feelings, not keeping agreements and not speaking relevant truths to relevant people and lastly deflecting(brushing off compliments). When you notice yourself doing one of the things on the upper limit list such as worrying, shift your attention to the real issue: expanding your capacity for abundance, love and success. Consciously let yourself make more room in your awareness for abundance, love & success. Use the resources of your whole being, not just your mind. For example, feel more love in your heart and chest area. Savor the body feeling as well as the mental satisfaction of success and abundance. Embrace a new story that shows you enjoying your life in full radiance of your expressed potential.

Reference:
Hendricks, Gay, The Big Leap, Harper Collins 2009.

Follow Your Passion

2010-05-21T19:34:00.001-07:00

It is critical to follow your passion in life to be fully happy. I have found my passion in providing counseling services to others. I feel rewarded each day by providing such a valuable service to others. I recently met a fellow who also provides outstanding service to his clients as he is passionate about his work. A small business owner, John Devenny, owner of Triple J Painting in Pasadena, MD provided me with the kind of service that shows people still go the extra mile. John listened to the type of custom painting work that I wanted done, followed up to ensure that I was pleased with the work and did detailed, quality work. This phenomenal customer service reminded me that God puts people on the planet to make America beautiful in different ways. It is important to pray that God will lead you in providing a service to others that he designed you for so that you feel fulfilled and others feel your passion for your work. John Devenny, owner of Triple J Painting does custom interior and exterior painting, 2 part epoxy garage floors with art deco, fiberglass staining and finishing of front door systems. He can be reached at by email at johndevenny@comcast.net.

Passage of Enlightenment in the Second Part of Life

2010-01-17T08:15:00.000-08:00

In philosophy, it is often discussed that the "second part of our lives" starts around age 50 and for some people it may be a bit earlier or later. During this later phase of our lives, it is important to examine our experiences in order to integrate them and align our priorities to serve what has meaning for us.

It is in this stage of life that personal reflection allows us to begin our journey to examine different gateways to mend our life before our final departure of immortality. Our task at the first gateway called the Renewal Gate is to move beyond the familiar and develop curiousity, trust and flexibility. As we age, many of us would rather stay in our comfort zones than grow to explore new experiences.

Here are some important questions to reflect upon at the Renewal Gate:

What generates meaning, curiousity and inspiration for you?
Where do you experience symptoms of soul loss: apathy, emptiness, discontent, anxiety?
What private longings have you repeatedly dismissed? What has kept you from acting on them?
How do you renew and replenish yourself?
What has been revealed about you through your dreams, work, health,& relationships?

Choose an area of your life that you would like to make a decision about and allow yourself to see a course of action that would create a positive change for yourself and others.

In my next article, I will discuss the Identity Gate which uncovers your true face. As we examine each gate and challenge ourselves, we develop further wisdom, character and meaning in our lives.

Reference:

Arrien,Angeles, The Second Half of Life, 2009.

Embrace Life's Uncertainty

2010-01-15T18:28:00.000-08:00

People often have fear related to what is unknown in their future. Due to anxiety caused by fears, people often try to control situations and other people. Letting go of expectations can be difficult, however, it is when we do so that we are really in control. When you are able to let go, your ability to embrace uncertainty will increase dramatically and your unhappiness will decrease dramatically.

We can look for the gifts in all that happens to us in life and it will minimize our suffering. We can find a way to be in the world that allows us to see uncertainty not as something to fear, but as an enriching aspect of life.

Stay Healthy & Happy by Keeping a Clean Energy Field

2009-10-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

Healthy and Happy by Keeping a Clean Energy Field

Our energy fields are invisible and electrical in nature in that others can feel if we are balanced and in sync. Your energy field is affected by many things including the food you eat, what you drink, and your thoughts and feelings. You play a huge role in keeping your energy field clean and if you are not careful, you can allow your energy field to become contaminated by lower energy fields from others. When you allow yourself to spend time with people who are not harmonious and bring love forth, this becomes a risk for contamination to your energy field and keeps you trapped in problems.

You can do the following things to keep your energy field clean and be a happier person.
First, treat your body with love and cleanse it of all junk. Drink pure water and eat whole foods. Get peaceful rest, exercise, and meditate.
Second, clean up your thoughts and let go of ego and the need to be "right". Practice the spiritual principles of love, kindness, connectedness, cheerfulness and gratitude. The more you practice these principles the closer you will feel to God and your energy field will feel clean.

Keep in mind that when you find happiness that other people may be jealous and try to bring you down. Be happy anyway and choose your highest self in all circumstances. Go into situations gold and come out gold. You will feel good knowing how you are acting regardless of how others choose to respond. Detach from other's opinions and behavior and know how you have chosen to follow your path and keep a clean energy field.

Age With An Attitude

2009-10-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

70% of aging is how you manage your life with what you eat, exercise, how you stimulate your brain and how involved you are with other people.
Nothing ages a person faster than a negative attitude so pay attention to where you direct your energy.
Here are the best 10 anti-agers:
1. Eat whole foods
2. Move!
3. Lift heavy
4. Touch & be touched
5. Socialize
6. Think positive
7. Help others
8. Live in the present moment
9. Imagine peaceful scenes
10. Breathe, sometimes deeply and then let it out

What is the Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely?

2009-10-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

Many people think that if they live alone and are not paired in a couple that this makes them lonely. However, research shows that there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Loneliness has little to do with whether a person is single or coupled. Many people who are married or coupled are still lonely, while many single people are not. Instead, people feel lonely when they lack emotional connections with others. For example, a single woman may have one or more good friends whom she talks to and spends time with who are like her, are concerned for her and interested in her well-being. While she may not be in a romantic relationship, she may feel connected and cared about and may feel content.

Another person may be in a committed relationship with a partner but not feel emotionally close, truly supported or even respected by that person. If this person does not have others in their life that provide for these needs, they experience a sense of loneliness even though they are coupled. Thus, it is not the coupled state of the person that helps with the absence of loneliness, but rather the presence of a close, trustworthy, emotionally supportive person in one's life.

There are 5 levels of emotional closeness and communication:

Level 1- Surface level- talking superficially about general topics. ex) Isn't it nice weather?
Level 2- Factual level- share facts about situations. ex)I have been having trouble with my car.
Level 3- Cognitive level- share our opinions and ideas about the world. We must trust that the other person will respect our opinions & ideas to communicate at this level.
Level 4- Feeling level- this level of communicating requires that we reveal who we really are, our dreams & disappointments,& how we truly feel about ourselves. We are vulnerable to the listener because we open up our inner selves but this also helps us to experience intimacy if we can trust the listener. In order to truly communicate at this level, we must feel "safe" with the person we are speaking to; we must feel respected, accepted and free from threatening repercussions. The ability to share at this level is the beginning of true intimacy and the inability to share at this level prevents intimacy from occurring. Only when both individuals feel comfortable sharing at this level, does the level 4 style of communication exist.
Level 5- Intimacy level- at this level, we are able to share our deepest feelings, concerns, most embarrassing moments, and our pain without any fear of reprisal; we feel fully accepted and loved by the other. We can talk about positive things in our life without fear that others will judge us as boasting. We are free to say whatever is on our mind, knowing that we will continue to be loved and accepted. This level of communication can only be achieved through a growing and abiding trust that has developed over time between two mature individuals. This level 5 "relationship" requires reciprocity; it is difficult to achieve and requires loving care to maintain. Few people ever achieve such a relationship in their lifetime, mostly because few people are willing to devote the time and energy necessary to develop and maintain such a deep relationship. Those with low self-esteem may have never experienced this type of emotional connection with another so they may not even recognize the intrinsic value or existence of this level of communication.

People who presently have a true and reciprocal level four or five relationship do not feel lonely, though they may have experienced loneliness in the past or again in the future. This level 5 relationship can occur between same sex relationships or opposite sex, however, it occurs more frequently in relationships between 2 women. Women, in general, place a higher priority on relationships and communication than men do.

Healthy relationships are ones in which both people are healthy individuals, with interests, goals, friends, activities, and a sense of worth from themselves. In a healthy relationship, both people want the best for themselves and the other person. They truly respect each other and trust each other. They support and encourage each other, yet they maintain their own unique personalities and individuality. They do not try to control nor do they compete. Healthy people form relationships in which there exists mutual respect, a willingness to negotiate fairly, sensitivity to the needs of both partners, a desire and willingness to regularly nurture and work on the relationship. They are people who are supportive, caring, encouraging, cooperative, interesting, communicative, assertive and open to change. Their relationships are fulfilling, though not all encompassing in their lives.

Please visit my website at : www.sacredcovecounseling.com

Healthier Relationships Improve Your Health

2009-10-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

Why are most bookstores including coffee bars? Because people want to connect with others and are aware of the aloneness that has been created from a mobile society. Many people are admitting to lack of relational connectedness and meaning in life. The common solution that many choose is to keep busy and stimulate themselves with a variety of new experiences. This helps keep feelings of loneliness at bay for a time period, but eventually there is an inner despair.

Positive relationships are important for our mental, physical and spiritual health and a great body of research is proving this. People who are lacking in relationships devoid of love and caring are highly likely to have lower levels of health.

The good news is that developing and enhancing friendships will reduce loneliness and improve your overall health. You don't need a large group of friends as even one or two very close friends who share interest and affection can do the trick. Involve yourself in groups or talk to your pastor, counselor, community resources for ideas about clubs to join. Don't expect your friends to do all the giving. The more you give to your friends and groups, the more you will get in return.

Please visit my website at: www.sacredcovecounseling.com

I am currently offering 3 groups in October through December:
A Women's Weight Loss Group
A Women's Wellness Group
An Intensive Couples Group: Heal Your Marriage and Relationship

Please e-mail me at: colleenmontgomery@sacredcovecounseling.com for further information.

Recreate Yourself

2009-10-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

There is very little in life that you are experiencing for the first time. There are new conditions or circumstances that stimulate the emotional experience that you are having. These are usually variations of a theme in your life. They are triggers that remind you of a previous experience and invite you in to react emotionally. They literally invite you to "re-act" or "act again" as you did before.

When this happens, it is the lower part of our brain that does not differentiate between this experience and a past experience. It can not separate moments from other moments or one person from another. For instance, a parent may have said something that hurt you as a child. Because the parent was a person whom you sought the most approval, now today, when your spouse says the same kind of thing, your lower brain is your parent talking.

Because you may have held your emotions back for a long time, your reaction may be way out of proportion to the "offense" that occurred. When things calm down, you may wonder where all of the anger came from. It came from your flight or fight response and sent you into self survival mode.

Masters refuse this invitation. Come into each moment as if it were the first time and consciously choose how you feel. Raise your consciousness and use your higher brain to distance your inner truth from your outer reality.

In this way, you can recreate yourself by consciously staying present in the moment and deciding how to feel about something and choosing to express any feeling you are having.

Please visit my website at: www.sacredcovecounseling.com

What People Need Today

2009-10-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

Many people today are looking for something that is lacking for a large part in our society today. People are so caught up in "doing" and being busy that little time is left to truly connect in a meaningful way with others. Many people come to counseling because they feel "lost" and empty inside. Upon a look into their family of origin, it can often be found that there was a lack of emotional warmth. Children need to feel safe, connected and feel that they are cared about and loved. When these things are missing, people often struggle as adults with depression and anxiety.

How can you experience emotional warmth if it is not something that is provided for in your family? You can watch others who extend warmth and kindness to you and absorb those good feelings. You can then try to give this to others in kind acts, generosity, gentleness of response to others and tone of voice. When you give to others what you would like to receive, it comes back to you in other ways. Allow the times that you are treated with nurturance to fill your soul and spirit in the present moment. Visualize these moments of warmth like a hot cup of cocoa or a burning fire when you are feeling lonely or the coldness of the world.

Hopefully over time if more people fill other's cups with a warm, nurturing drink the world will become filled with more people showing love and kindness. Less people would feel lonely and alone and enjoy the comfort of others caring.

Sacred Cove Counseling and Wellness

2009-09-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

I just opened my wellness center in Millersville, MD on Sept.15, 2009 called Sacred Cove Counseling & Wellness. My goal is to provide high quality individual and couples counseling. I also offer individualized nutrition plans and weekly meetings for weight loss. I am excited to offer cognitive behavioral therapy for people that struggle with emotional eating issues. I feel that my background in counseling and as a nutritionist really helps me to provide a service that addresses people's emotional and physical needs. Since depression and nutrition can be so closely interconnected, an understanding of both allows me a unique way to reach people. I enjoy supporting others and hearing their story while watching them grow and eventually flourish in their lives.