Passionate Marriage in Our Society

In the end, all we have to offer each other is emotional commitment as we share our lives. Marriage is a system that is full of intricacies and wonder for personal growth.

Loving is not for the weak, nor for those who have to be carefully kept, nor for the faint of heart. That's why there is so little of it in the world. Love requires being steadfast through many difficulties. If our society ever tolerates a realistic view of marriage, we will be less cavalier about encouraging people to love and want each other. The end result of loving a cherished long-term partner is grief few of us are prepared to handle. Many of us would rather bury a "pain" than risk pain in our heart. A "pain" is easier to love less, so the loss won't be too great when he or she dies.

The biggest trust issue in marriage isn't about trusting your partner. It's about whether or not you can really trust yourself. The better your partner, the better your ability to soothe and console yourself needs to be. People find in their minds it is "not safe" to love their partner more than they can self-soothe if you need them to "be there for you". Your partner will not "be there for you" to hold your hand through their death. You'll go through that alone. The increasing vulnerability that arises from your partner becoming more important to you makes a passionate marriage daunting. Many people feel they can not trust themselves with this enormous risk.

Critical points mark the turning point in your connection with your spouse. It either shifts you from emotional fusion or greater differentiation. When couples use critical points wisely, there is an intense sense of intimacy, yet the future remains unknown. It is not always easy to continue to sail in the same direction through critical points with the intensity of the issues and the amount of self-soothing required. However, showing yourself as a peaceful vessel rather than a person of war can be an act of integrity.

Some things that can help with fusion during critical/stressful points in a marriage are:
Repair the positive connection with your partner by sending positive signals. Most couples have their own code.
Pay attention to your partner's attempts at repair and do not take them for granted.
Be willing to make the first move by pulling out of discussions that are going nowhere by making overtures to get back together.
Remember that monogamy shifts as your own differentiation increases from being a promise to your partner to one you make to yourself.
Remember that sometimes your partner can not "be there for you" in the sense that you desire as they may be having trouble regulating their own anxieties in times of discord. Taking care of yourself at critical/stressful points is important for you and a kindness to your partner. Poorly differentiated people do hurtful things when their anxiety goes up. This is why it is important to not let your partner "hurt you" in the sense that it is more important to remember that they may be reflecting their own anxieties. If you are well cared for mentally, you will be able to differentiate this and not expect your partner to take care of you. "Being there" for your partner in the positive sense is great if you can do it as it is the essence of true mutuality but we can not always expect it in return.

Life presents us with the choice of getting what we want, but not the way we might want it. It's disquieting when long-sought improvements occur in ways we don't anticipate. We are challenged to give up cherished notions that keep us stuck. Giving up fusion fantasies isn't easy. Our desire to merge and relinquish personal responsibility dies a slow death but there's no peace until it does.

The other side of the looking glass- the passionate marriage.
The most lasting "we-ness" often comes after a critical point, not before. The "we-ness" gained from experiences in the growth cycle, examining your self and your marriage, fosters further growth. Monogamy operates on a different level feeling like an ongoing commitment. Couples schedule time together because they want to be together and they protect this from the invasion of other demands. They address issues as they arise rather than waiting for things to feel intolerable. There is a stability that transcends day to day ups and downs.
You begin to allow your partner to influence you which creates new options and de-escalates fights. Feeling that you have influence in your relationship, reduces the urge to criticize or withdraw. When partners try to influence each other on issues about which they disagree, they do so in a straightforward manner that is softened with playful persuasion. People relax. Their facial features soften and their body tension melts. They touch more frequently and easily, leaning into each other for contact when sitting close. They no longer fear that straight talk will become adversarial. They have the comfort that comes in knowing that both of them can stand on their own two feet. Respect develops from watching their partner master himself or herself and maintain integrity during the critical points. It is a respect that includes rueful admiration that partners won't knuckle under to each other or their own anxieties. Respect makes partners willing to give each other the benefit of doubt in times of misunderstanding.

In marriage you can expect many blisters along the path to bliss. Hold out through this nerve-racking process and you can find the 'passionate marriage'.

Excerpts from this article are taken from the work of David Schnarch.

Colleen Montgomery is a well-known Individual and Couples Therapist in Severna Park, Maryland. Her office is located at 821 W. Benfield Road in Severna Park. Colleen specializes in Marriage Counseling and feels passionate about helping couples. It has been an honor to have couples share their struggles and victories as they grow individually and together as a couple.
Soon to be released, Joyful Marriage will share experiences and techniques to find true happiness within marriage.

You can reach Colleen at 410-336-4950 to set up an appointment for counseling.

Reference:
Schnarch, David, Passionate Marriage, Henry Holt Publishing, 1997.

Take the Big Leap

Have you ever wondered what is holding you back from taking the big leap in life that would take your life to the next level? Many people have hidden fears and anxieties that keep them from taking that next step to a more satisfying life.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself:
Where do I feel out of integrity with myself?
What is keeping me from feeling whole and complete?
What important feelings am I not letting into my awareness?
Where in my life am I not telling the full truth?

Almost all of us have a "story" that we tell ourselves about why we do not access our highest limits or "our genius". For example, we may have received messages from family that people who are successful are not nice people, etc.. As you allow yourself to discover these feelings, it will only take seconds to acknowledge feelings of sadness or fear. After acknowledging them, you can communicate a specific truth to another person and restore wholeness to a relationship that has felt incomplete for years. As you go through your discoveries, you will benefit from taking an attitude of wonder instead of blame. If you remain lighthearted about the fears that you discover instead of criticizing yourself then you will progress faster. When I maintain an attitude of cheerful wonder and keen interest in my faults and flaws, I see them dissolve and transform much more rapidly than when I give myself a hard time about them. If you're willing to adopt a playful attitude toward your shortcomings, you can make extraordinarily rapid progress.
Make a list of some behaviors that keep you from achieving your upper potential. Some of the most common ones are: worrying, blame & criticism, getting sick or hurt, squabbling, hiding significant feelings, not keeping agreements and not speaking relevant truths to relevant people and lastly deflecting(brushing off compliments). When you notice yourself doing one of the things on the upper limit list such as worrying, shift your attention to the real issue: expanding your capacity for abundance, love and success. Consciously let yourself make more room in your awareness for abundance, love & success. Use the resources of your whole being, not just your mind. For example, feel more love in your heart and chest area. Savor the body feeling as well as the mental satisfaction of success and abundance. Embrace a new story that shows you enjoying your life in full radiance of your expressed potential.

Reference:
Hendricks, Gay, The Big Leap, Harper Collins 2009.

Follow Your Passion

It is critical to follow your passion in life to be fully happy. I have found my passion in providing counseling services to others. I feel rewarded each day by providing such a valuable service to others. I recently met a fellow who also provides outstanding service to his clients as he is passionate about his work. A small business owner, John Devenny, owner of Triple J Painting in Pasadena, MD provided me with the kind of service that shows people still go the extra mile. John listened to the type of custom painting work that I wanted done, followed up to ensure that I was pleased with the work and did detailed, quality work. This phenomenal customer service reminded me that God puts people on the planet to make America beautiful in different ways. It is important to pray that God will lead you in providing a service to others that he designed you for so that you feel fulfilled and others feel your passion for your work. John Devenny, owner of Triple J Painting does custom interior and exterior painting, 2 part epoxy garage floors with art deco, fiberglass staining and finishing of front door systems. He can be reached at by email at johndevenny@comcast.net.

Passage of Enlightenment in the Second Part of Life

In philosophy, it is often discussed that the "second part of our lives" starts around age 50 and for some people it may be a bit earlier or later. During this later phase of our lives, it is important to examine our experiences in order to integrate them and align our priorities to serve what has meaning for us.

It is in this stage of life that personal reflection allows us to begin our journey to examine different gateways to mend our life before our final departure of immortality. Our task at the first gateway called the Renewal Gate is to move beyond the familiar and develop curiousity, trust and flexibility. As we age, many of us would rather stay in our comfort zones than grow to explore new experiences.

Here are some important questions to reflect upon at the Renewal Gate:

What generates meaning, curiousity and inspiration for you?
Where do you experience symptoms of soul loss: apathy, emptiness, discontent, anxiety?
What private longings have you repeatedly dismissed? What has kept you from acting on them?
How do you renew and replenish yourself?
What has been revealed about you through your dreams, work, health,& relationships?

Choose an area of your life that you would like to make a decision about and allow yourself to see a course of action that would create a positive change for yourself and others.

In my next article, I will discuss the Identity Gate which uncovers your true face. As we examine each gate and challenge ourselves, we develop further wisdom, character and meaning in our lives.

Reference:

Arrien,Angeles, The Second Half of Life, 2009.

Embrace Life's Uncertainty

People often have fear related to what is unknown in their future. Due to anxiety caused by fears, people often try to control situations and other people. Letting go of expectations can be difficult, however, it is when we do so that we are really in control. When you are able to let go, your ability to embrace uncertainty will increase dramatically and your unhappiness will decrease dramatically.

We can look for the gifts in all that happens to us in life and it will minimize our suffering. We can find a way to be in the world that allows us to see uncertainty not as something to fear, but as an enriching aspect of life.

Stay Healthy & Happy by Keeping a Clean Energy Field

Healthy and Happy by Keeping a Clean Energy Field

Our energy fields are invisible and electrical in nature in that others can feel if we are balanced and in sync. Your energy field is affected by many things including the food you eat, what you drink, and your thoughts and feelings. You play a huge role in keeping your energy field clean and if you are not careful, you can allow your energy field to become contaminated by lower energy fields from others. When you allow yourself to spend time with people who are not harmonious and bring love forth, this becomes a risk for contamination to your energy field and keeps you trapped in problems.

You can do the following things to keep your energy field clean and be a happier person.
First, treat your body with love and cleanse it of all junk. Drink pure water and eat whole foods. Get peaceful rest, exercise, and meditate.
Second, clean up your thoughts and let go of ego and the need to be "right". Practice the spiritual principles of love, kindness, connectedness, cheerfulness and gratitude. The more you practice these principles the closer you will feel to God and your energy field will feel clean.

Keep in mind that when you find happiness that other people may be jealous and try to bring you down. Be happy anyway and choose your highest self in all circumstances. Go into situations gold and come out gold. You will feel good knowing how you are acting regardless of how others choose to respond. Detach from other's opinions and behavior and know how you have chosen to follow your path and keep a clean energy field.

Age With An Attitude

70% of aging is how you manage your life with what you eat, exercise, how you stimulate your brain and how involved you are with other people.
Nothing ages a person faster than a negative attitude so pay attention to where you direct your energy.
Here are the best 10 anti-agers:
1. Eat whole foods
2. Move!
3. Lift heavy
4. Touch & be touched
5. Socialize
6. Think positive
7. Help others
8. Live in the present moment
9. Imagine peaceful scenes
10. Breathe, sometimes deeply and then let it out